How to Respond When Children Push Boundaries Because They Feel Safe
One thing all children and teens need to grow into their most optimal and holistically healthy selves is a sense of physical safety that resonates as inner security. Decades of child development research, positive psychology, and neuroscience research supports this truth. The journey to inner security is often characterized as “coming home to ourselves;” “creating home within us;” or “finding home within us.” For children, the development of home within starts in their physical environments. As they learn they are safe to feel, safe to speak, safe to play, and safe to rest, they develop an inner security that serves as neurophysiological basis for healthy self-concept and healthy self-esteem. Inner safety simply means we are good on the inside. And as loving and caring adults, we want our children to be good on the inside.
“Inner safety means we are good on the inside. And as loving and caring adults, we want our children to be good on the inside.”
When children learn they are safe to feel, speak, play, learn, and fail, something changes for them and within them. They become surer of themselves. They test new ideas and even challenge us adults respectfully as they arrive at different points of view. Quite frankly, I enjoy seeing a child arrive at different perspectives and invite me to see things from different angles. It can be enjoyable and mentally expansive. But what happens when children feel so safe that they take their time getting started with a task or completing a task? What happens when they want to negotiate or explore different paths towards the same goal? I say, “If there is time, let them.” Whether you are professional working with children or an all-star parent working with your own, there are ways that we can help children reach their learning targets while being flexible. When there isn’t an abundance of time, we can create space for this type of learning. Here are the steps I take.
1. See the child in their beauty and wonder. Your student or child knows when you look at them with the eyes of awe and curiosity rather than impatience and concern. Nothing’s wrong with concern. But when coupled with impatience, we can leave psychological wounds over time.
2. Verbally acknowledge what you notice in your child’s emotional state. This lets them know that you see them and you are present with them. You can simply say, “Your feeling really relaxed. You’re feeling really safe. You’re feeling really silly. I see you.” Emotions are expressed through behavior. When we acknowledge the state, we can help them move through it towards the goal.
3. Tell them that even while they’re feeling relaxed, safe, and silly, there is job to be done and that they can do it. In fact, you are there to see them get it done because they indeed can do. If they need your assistance, you are there for that too. Relaxation, safety, and silliness are elevated emotions. This enables them to complete their tasks efficiently, as their emotional state supports effective job performance.
4. After acknowledging the child’s emotional state and expressing that the job or task must be done, watch them to see what they accomplish. The goal could be homework, cleaning, organizing, a game that supports executive function in the brain, or any less-preferred activity. Watch them to see what they accomplish towards the goal.
5. If the child is taking more time because they’re feeling very safe and silly, set a timer for getting started. Also, remind the child that there are other activities for you to do. But first, must-dos before want-tos. Must-dos before want-tos teach prioritization, which involves executive brain functions
6. Allow the child to offer some ideas for making the task or job more fun, if there is space it. Otherwise, set a timer and watch them work.
7. Be patient. Be observant. Reward them with your sincere validation of their efforts.
8. Celebrate a job done.
9. Reflect with the child on how they think they did. Also, ask them how feeling safe, silly, and relaxed helped them reach the goal. This type of reflection builds a healthy self-concept and memories as resources for getting things done.
With these 9 steps, you can enjoy your child or student more. You will also gain more insight into who they are as people and how they develop a sense of awe in you.
Do you have more questions about this topic? I’d be happy to answer your questions. Email me at ashley@risewhereyouare.com.
Selfish, Entitled Teachers Have Single Mothers Who Do These 5 Things
I know what you’re thinking. “Why is she picking on single mothers?” I’m not picking on anyone. In fact, single mothers have a special place in my heart as I was raised by one when my parents separated. There are so many single mothers who are doing the best they can do. But many are also doing these 5 things, and they wonder why they are struggling with their children. Here is what I have observed in my professional experience.
1. They try to compensate for their children’s father’s absence. I know this is not easy to digest. Yet so many mothers I’ve worked with (single and formerly single) admit that they deeply feel their children’s sadness for the absence (or unreliability) of their fathers. So, they do all they can to make up for the father’s absence or unreliability. If this is you, or you know a mother who is doing this, assure yourself and her that she is enough. The goodness of who you are as a mother does not depend on how you make up for the absence of the father. The goodness of who you are as a mother comes from within you. When you feel like you are going into compensation mode, pause yourself and ask yourself what you’re doing. Be an observer of yourself and gently redirect yourself to being present as your child’s mother. If you are not sure whether you are compensating for your children’s father’s presence, take a moment to list what you see other people do when they’re compensating. Then circle the qualities you see in yourself. If you recognize any similarities, know that you can change your ways. But first you must change your beliefs.
2. They do everything for their children – including their homework. Stop doing everything for your child. This point extends from point number one and is extremely important. If you find yourself doing things for your children because you’re trying to avoid backtalk, an argument, or having to do something yourself eventually, you’re setting yourself up for upset. Instead of doing what you don’t want to do, do what is in the best interest of you and your child. A major shift is to set up the environment for your child to do what they’re supposed to do. But don’t do their work. If you’re doing their homework and calling it “helping” them, you’re not helping them. You are eliminating opportunities for them to build the executive functioning skills they need to be successful in life. Another example of setting up the environment is to put the garbage can by the door and verbally point it out to them. For more insight on this topic, check out my article on how to chill while your kids build their skills.
3. They talk to their children about their fathers. Stop talking to your child negatively about their father. It doesn’t make you a better parent. It reveals that you don’t have boundaries for your conversation, and you need more emotional support than you are receiving to manage your frustration. Find a supportive family member, friend, therapist, or coach. But don’t talk to your child. Just because they can give you verbal feedback on the situation does not mean they have the mental capacity to recover from what you express. Many kids find out who their parents are very early on. Let life confirm what they need to know while you practice being the healthy, loving, mature, and clear-minded guide for their development.
4. They make excuses to people for their children’s misbehavior and or choices – and they don’t address their children’s underlying challenges. When children (tweens and teens included) misbehave, giving a reason for why they do what they can be easy. But the reason does not replace or address the underlying issue. Instead of simply giving your reason, find out their reason. Your child has the answer for why they do what they do, even if they cannot express it. (Trust me, I know.) It takes some time, patience, trust, and relaxation to bring the deeper, uncovered answers to the surface. But they can come to the surface. If your child is making certain questionable, harmful, or damaging decisions, you will best serve the vision for your child’s life by getting down to the reason they made the decision. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason. But even if there is none, recognizing that your child is trying to meet a need is vital. Read the article towards the bottom of this page for why kids say they don't know. Remember, your child is a decision maker. Even when they feel like they don’t have a choice, they are still a decision-maker. Let’s empower them to be effective. Converse with your child to uncover their reasons. Don’t jump to defend what they did with your reason. Address the underlying challenge or issue.
5. They trust and do not verify. Don’t just trust what your child says because they’re your child. Verify that they cleaned their room, did their homework, spoke to their teacher, met with their counselor, and took out the garbage. If your child is vaping or smoking, and they’ve promised to change their ways, trust that they can change. But verify with a drug test so they know that you are serious about helping them make the change. Your children know when you are serious and when you’re not. Don’t be afraid to verify what they said. It shows that you mean business and you don’t play when it comes to your babies.
If you've gotten to this point and you feel some tenderness around the topic, I completely understand why you would feel that way. You are carrying so much! And here's the truth: you are not alone. You already have what it takes to succeed because you are willing to expose yourself to feedback such as this. Now is the time to decide what you want to differently for yourself, because I know you're doing your best. I want you to experience the best life has to offer you. For more assistance with any of the 5 points above, sign up for a free consultation here.
We think we are helping our children gain understanding on what is happening in a situation. But how do we know when we've said too much and the child has entered a stage of overwhelm, hypervigilance, inappropriate problem solving, and or worry? Download your free conversation roadmap for this type of important conversation.
Simply video recording what is happening is not enough to promote public safety. The good news is there are simple actions we can take to increase safety when we are outside.
Ashley M. Blanco is an educational leader that promotes comprehensive child and adolescent development. When she’s not working, she enjoys painting, pickleball, and traveling to new places.
She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her family.
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